I Really Wanted The Divorce So Why Do I Feel So Bad?

feelingsA client spoke with me recently about how exhausted she had been feeling. This took her quite by surprise as, after years and years of unhappiness and finally feeling able to move ahead with a divorce, she had hoped to feel better. She didn’t expect to feel so irritable, de-energized, and just plain tired out. “Why should I feel so lousy if I’ve finally gotten up the nerve to ask for what I want: A divorce, and the chance to move ahead toward a happier life?” Read more

Should There Be An “App” For Divorce?

dlogo21Clearly, everyone who undergoes a divorce is entitled to his or her own custom-made, personally designed divorce experience. There is most definitely one out there that will fit the bill for everybody who wants one.

As a Coach, Mediator, and Psychotherapist I regularly meet very interesting people and hear some very interesting divorce ideas. I’ve learned about Read more

Preparing For Divorce: If You Asked For It, If You Didn’t

prepareMicki McWade’s article, “10 Tips For A Sane Divorce: Five For You, Five For Me”, outlines the steps both the person asking for the divorce as well as the one it is happening to can take to feel more prepared. She makes the point that there are big differences between the emotional mindset of the initiator vs. the non-initiator of divorce.

We’d like to add that whether you initiated the divorce or not, each of you will most likely bring certain feelings with you to the divorce negotiation process, including; disappointment, worries about the future, and a sense of (personal) failure. Remembering that each of you is hurting (on some level) and that you both had a hand in what has happened to your relationship can help you both to be a little kinder, calmer, and more patient with each other.

A Better Divorce For A Happier Life

collabOnly one divorce process can teach clients new skills that they can use to live a better and happier life after the divorce. These days there are a number of divorce processes to choose from when seeking a Massachusetts divorce but only one of these can offer clients a chance to learn new communication, decision making, and relationship skills.

Collaborative divorce

    provides clients with opportunities to improve relationships. They can learn how to fight less and talk more, make better decisions, think about and work toward realistic personal and family goals, and explore what is most important for living more successfully right now and in the future.

The collaborative process

    encourages clients to grow and develop themselves and work productively through the divorce process with an eye toward living a better life.

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Should You Take A Failed Marriage Personally?

Not necessarily so says Laura Munson of the Huffington Post Divorce Blog. In her thought provoking new post at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-munson/choosing-your-emotions-in_b_845897.html she talks about the importance of looking beyond the words that your oh-so-unhappy-soon-to-be- ex might be saying about you, and quieting down your own internal negative chatter and not jumping to the conclusion that it really is all your fault. These are good ideas for moving ahead after a painful divorce, toward a better life.

We agree that disgruntled spouses may indeed have their own agendas for taking you down (or just putting you down) and that individuals have a choice about whether or not they want to go to that negative and self-critical place. We’d also like to add that in order to take things less personally and be happier, one need not ‘borrow’ others’ negative thoughts and feelings about you (there’s plenty of that already inside you, right?) but instead, focus in on what it is you truly have to offer in a relationship, on what you have learned about yourself as a result of your marriage and divorce (maybe that you are resilient, or stronger than you thought, or more forgiving), and then put your best foot forward. Try to tune into the good for a change.

Of course, half of the responsibility for making a marriage successful does fall on your shoulders so logically you made a significant contribution to whatever dynamics were there to make it fail. BUT, no use beating yourself up over this. (If you need help in understanding yourself better, particularly with regard to how you are in close relationships, seek out a psychotherapist.) Otherwise, treat yourself kindly, with patience, and generosity. Just like you would treat a close friend or a well loved child. And then move on toward a better life.