Many of the unhappily married parents I speak with talk about staying married for the sake of their children. “We’ll wait until the kids leave for college, so they can grow up in a home with a mom and a dad” is an all too common refrain. The problem with this logic, though well-intended, is that it doesn’t consider the negative impacts on children of growing up in a home with parents who are not true partners, who don’t love or even like each other, who fight or ignore each other, or worse. Here is a new Huffington Post article that includes 7 reasons (see #4 for my contribution) why it might not be such a good idea for parents who are not happily married to stay together:
A Divorce Coach Can Help You Know What You Need. Many divorcing clients have difficulty sorting through the options and possibilities to pinpoint what is most important. It’s easy to get off track or feel overwhelmed Read more
What should you do once you have learned your spouse has been unfaithful? Some people, having just learned about an affair, come to my office wanting a divorce as fast as possible. Others, want to go out and get even, while still others, upon hearing the news of infidelity, try to ignore it and just move on with life. Hopefully, this will never happen to you, but, if it does, how you handle it will greatly depend on your thoughts about what infidelity or cheating really means.
To learn more, read my newest Huffington Post article on this topic and see what makes sense to you: INFIDELITY
Believe it or not, when it comes to the most important issues, we humans are naturally of two minds and often find ourselves both wanting and not wanting the exact same thing, to some degree. In other words, we are naturally ambivalent about most things—we see the potential positives and the potential negatives of situations. Even with regard to the things we think we want with all of our being, with all of the force of our most powerful desires, we usually have some reservations deep down inside—it’s only natural. For instance, I would bet that even the blushing bride who talks of feeling 100% certain that marrying her handsome prince at this time in this way is the very best thing to do, has a reservation or two about some aspect of getting married to this particular prince in this particular way at this particular time. Often we don’t want to know about our ‘other’ feelings, as acknowledging our natural ambivalence might complicate things and make it harder to move forward. But, as I have written in previous blogs, denying or not letting yourself know about certain thoughts or feelings does not make them go away… they are always still there!
When it comes to divorce, it can be baffling to see this ‘decision ambivalence’ at play. Recently, a couple walked into my office and both spouses agreed that they’d like a mediated divorce and they’d like it as soon as possible. They told me that they had already told their children about their divorce, that one spouse had moved out and established a second household, and that each of them had even found new partners. They expected that their divorce mediation would be “straightforward”, “simple” and “quick” and promptly signed my mediation agreement, paid their retainer and promised to forward to me several potential dates for a first mediation session. Then, I waited to hear from them. I waited, and waited, and waited.
Well, you could send a subscription of Divorce Magazine to your spouse, or you could scatter the business cards of several divorce attorneys, like rose petals, across your bed, or you could paint a yellow line down the middle of every room in your house and label each side “Yours” or “Mine”. A better way to end your marital relationship, however, is to begin a new relationship… no, not with a new partner, but with a Divorce Coach, a Mediator/Co-Mediators, or a Collaborative Attorney. Choosing the right Divorce Professionals takes skill and some luck and ranks way up there in importance, maybe as high as choosing the right mate, don’t you think?
The right Divorce Professionals can assist you Read more
In order to achieve true equality, same-sex married couples must be able to legally divorce. Supreme Court decisions recently made regarding the Defense of Marriage Act might pave the way for this to happen. Read a NY Times article on this:
When it comes to knowing who you can trust and who you can’t, figuring out which friends are true friends is never easy, especially in the case of divorce. As you and your spouse are beginning to untangle your lives, even your best friend can become suspect, particularly if their spouse and your spouse are or have been close friends. Who will remain loyal to you and can be entrusted with your confidence and who might not are questions every divorcing individual must face. How do we find the answers? Here are five simple questions to ask when addressing the ‘Which friends are my true friends issue. Read more
Your best chances at finding the right partner and creating a satisfying relationship going forward may depend on your answer to the ‘If divorce was the solution, what was the problem?’ question. Taking the time and energy to address this difficult divorce query now can greatly impact your future relationships and overall happiness. If your answer to this question was, MY SPOUSE, then undeniably, you are partially correct. However, if that is your only answer, then you are Read more
Many people undergoing divorce feel as if time is just standing still and they aren’t getting anywhere…but they are. Even those who are in the midst of the divorce process and faced with some very big decisions (such as: will it be possible to stay in the family home, should the move out happen before or during the kids’ school year, how will we divide our belongings, etc.) might feel that nothing is happening. Why is this? There are many reasons why time seems to Read more
"Is divorce ever an easy process? Probably not. However, it was beneficial for me to have had an impartial, empathic, professional divorce coach on hand to guide the divorce process along, keep us focused on outcomes, and finally to reach our goals with harmony and clarity." Elaine from Norfolk County, MA