So You Know About The Affair…Now What?

What should you do once you have learned your spouse has been unfaithful? Some people, having just learned about an affair, come to my office wanting a divorce as fast as possible. Others, want to go out and get even, while still others, upon hearing the news of infidelity, try to ignore it and just move on with life. Hopefully, this will never happen to you, but, if it does, how you handle it will greatly depend on your thoughts about what infidelity or cheating really means.

To learn more, read my newest Huffington Post article on this topic and see what makes sense to you:  INFIDELITY

 

What If You Taught Lessons On How To Be In A Relationship With You?

imagesYou can teach the people around you how to have a successful and enjoyable relationship with ….YOU! First, you will need to take the time to consider WHO you are in a relationship and HOW you want to structure your connections with friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and others. This step is important as defining relationship needs can enable you to communicate what you want and then get it! Once you can identify what works for you and what does not, you can teach others how to be in a relationship with you and learn what their relationship expectations are as well. Taking responsibility for providing important information to others on what will and will not work for you relationship-wise is a wonderful first step toward building community for yourself. This can add up to more satisfying and more productive relationships with those you choose to connect with (and even with those you can’t choose but have to be in relationship with—think bosses, co-workers, in-laws, etc).

You can begin your journey to more enjoyable relating by answering this simple question Read more

Practice Positivity This Holiday Season

holidayThe holidays are a time we are supposed to feel grateful and positive, but what if we just plain don’t, is there anything we can do about it?

Research shows that having a positive/grateful attitude can help you live longer and healthier. Regardless of whatever bad luck may have befallen you, there is something you can do to bring some positivity into your life and keep yourself healthier this holiday season. Try one, two or all 5 of these strategies to recognize the good and bring more of the positive into your life.

1. Discover Gratitude

Making a habit of coming up with 3 new things each day you are grateful for actually trains your brain to scan for the positive (rather than just the negative). It actually helps your brain to focus on (and enjoy) the good.

2. Journal

Seriously? YES! Why? Because writing about 1 positive experience you have had over the past 24 hours allows you and your brain to re-live the positive moments and pleasures. Anything wrong with that?

3. Exercise

Good for your system of course but this also teaches your brain that what you do/your behavior really matters. Also, research says that people who move live longer—so get moving!

4. Meditate

You don’t have to buy a Buddha, incense, or set up a shrine for yourself (though you can if you want!). Just take a few moments to sit quietly and clear your mind of all the day’s chatter and noise. Take time to rest and focus on just one thing (a ‘time out’ from the multi-tasking world we live in). Gently breathe in, gently breathe out, and focus only on your breath. As a thought pops up in your ‘mental house’, don’t invite it to stay, gently sweep it to the side and go back to focusing on your breath. Do this for a few minutes or more—whatever is comfortable. This is extraordinarily calming.

5. Schedule Play Time

We schedule meetings, conference calls, and weekly events into our daily calendars … why not schedule in time to play? When was the last time you blocked out an hour just to explore and experiment or intentionally reserved time to have fun? Is being happy less important than your Wednesday meeting? No, yet we act like it is because we never give it a time and place on our calendars.

Schedule time for play and adventure to expand your skills, try new ways of doing things, and experience joy.

Happy doesn’t necessarily just happen to us, it may be more in what we do and how we think about our efforts and experiences. Try these strategies and see if you can get your happy on! Wishing you Happy Holidays!

 

6 Tips to Succeed More and Self-Sabotage Less

self sab buttonPart 3 in a Series By Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP

The previous articles of this series outlined common self-sabotaging behaviors and discussed the reasons why even the most level headed, driven, and smart women engage in these from time to time (or frequently).

This final article of the series includes 6 effective tips to help you in the process of increasing your success by decreasing self-sabotaging behaviors.

 1. Get Curious.

Instead of just chalking it up to rotten luck or attributing disappointing outcomes to the ‘situation’,  be open and get curious about the fact that you ran out of gas and missed the big meeting or dropped your phone in the toilet or forgot the power cord for your uncharged laptop. Be willing to entertain the possibility that YOU (or your innermost concerns about success) are the issue and that this is indeed self-sabotage. Commit to spend some time and energy on discovering why you might be concerned about increasing your success—what the potential negatives might be for you and pay attention to these.

2. Live ‘AS IF’ Instead of ‘WHAT IF’ Read more

Frozen Eggs: A Novel Solution to the Work/Life Balance Issue?

egg babyWomen who work outside the home have found it increasingly challenging to meet and balance all of their professional and personal life responsibilities. Will the recent announcement by Facebook and Apple, to enable women to put off starting a family (by covering expenses for freezing an employee’s eggs for later use) be a positive step?

Might this improve a woman’s ability to make it to the top of corporate life as she will (potentially) have more time to do so? Also, what effect might this have on marriage and divorce rates?Remember, this technology is not perfect and it cannot guarantee that a frozen egg will someday produce a baby….

To read the recently published article on this, go to: Work Life Balance

 

Relationship and Divorce Coaching—-Mediation—Weekend Retreat for Professional Women

Women, Success, and Criticism

One of the necessary ingredients to a woman’s ability to succeed in the workplace is her ability to accept and manage criticism, according to this recent New York Times article (“Learning to Love Criticism”, Sunday Review, 9.28.14) by Tara Mohr.

This article states that, based on a recent study conducted by Fortune.com, women are far more likely to receive negative feedback from their supervisors in the workplace AND the negative feedback women receive includes some kind of criticism of her personality 76 percent of the time (vs. 2 percent of the time for men).

To fully tap into the talent pool, we need both genders to thrive and succeed in the workplace—so what must happen to even out these numbers so both men and women receive the type of feedback they need to enhance their skills, tweak their approaches, and grow?

Here’s the link to the full article:Learning to Love Criticism

Are You Sabotaging Your Success? Part 1 in a Series

Why do some women seem to soar and succeed, while others – equally as talented and bright – never seem to reach the top of their game—could they be sabotaging their own success?

The professional women I’ve met and worked with are bright, hard working, and talented. So why aren’t they all as successful as Oprah Winfrey, Sheryl Sandberg, or Hillary Clinton? Read more

What If You Do And Don’t Want A Divorce?

feelings facesBelieve it or not, when it comes to the most important issues, we humans are naturally of two minds and often find ourselves both wanting and not wanting the exact same thing, to some degree. In other words, we are naturally ambivalent about most things—we see the potential positives and the potential negatives of situations. Even with regard to the things we think we want with all of our being, with all of the force of our most powerful desires, we usually have some reservations deep down inside—it’s only natural. For instance, I would bet that even the blushing bride who talks of feeling 100% certain that marrying her handsome prince at this time in this way is the very best thing to do, has a reservation or two about some aspect of getting married to this particular prince in this particular way at this particular time. Often we don’t want to know about our ‘other’ feelings, as acknowledging our natural ambivalence might complicate things and make it harder to move forward. But, as I have written in previous blogs, denying or not letting yourself know about certain thoughts or feelings does not make them go away… they are always still there!

When it comes to divorce, it can be baffling to see this ‘decision ambivalence’ at play. Recently, a couple walked into my office and both spouses agreed that they’d like a mediated divorce and they’d like it as soon as possible. They told me that they had already told their children about their divorce, that one spouse had moved out and established a second household, and that each of them had even found new partners. They expected that their divorce mediation would be “straightforward”, “simple” and “quick” and promptly signed my mediation agreement, paid their retainer and promised to forward to me several potential dates for a first mediation session. Then, I waited to hear from them. I waited, and waited, and waited.